Dogwarming Gift Ideas

If anyone is looking for a gift for Poncho, our new dog, I recommend the following on his behalf:

1. A copy of Codependent No More. Poncho must believe the air we humans breathe is far superior to air he can find in any other corner of the house. He follows me from room to room, even if it's for a three second run from the den to the fridge while I'm reading the paper or watching TV.

2. A video of the The Coneheads. He's wearing one of those plastic bonnets (called an e-collar, or Elizabethan Collar) to keep him from chewing his wound (he was neutered on Tuesday). I figure if he saw The Coneheads, he'd realize he's not the only one in this universe with a cone head, and he'd see that having a cone for a head can actually be kind of funny.

You know come to think of it, he may also enjoy watching Little House On The Prarie. He could benefit from seeing all those ladies and girls in bonnets enduring the hardships of homesteading in the heartland. This may teach Poncho to see the bonnet as a symbol for having the strength and resolve to live through times in Minnesota. Then he'll begin to wear his plastic lamp shade like a badge of honor!

3. A prescription for medical marijuana. His vet is having me give him 100 mg of dog sedatives a day to keep him from being hyped up. The idea is for him to rest and stay inactive. His wound doesn't need to be more swollen than it already it is.

But this dog is freaking robodog. I think you could give Poncho 100 gallons of elephant tranquilizer and he'd still be pacing the floor and begging to play. I figure if I get some (medical) marijuana for Poncho and had him watch Futurama and The Simpsons on endless loop on the DVD player, he'd finally mellow out.

4. A bigger house. Just for the next week, until his cone comes off. Emily said (within five minutes of Poncho arriving home from the vet with his cone head), "Our house is not big enough for a dog with a lamp shade on his head!"

We found our tipping point. This place is plenty big for the three of us. But you put a cone on any of our heads (in this case, Poncho's) the house seems to shrink by 100 square feet. The Ponch keeps on smashing his cone into walls, walking into us, and he's even fallen down the stairs a few times (he clips his cone on the steps). It's very hard to watch because this is one confused, sad dog! I also feel I am doing a good job not being frustrated by all this cone-inuced clumsiness. It's not El Poncho's fault.

Actually, he's snoring right now, so the doggie valium is working. Poncho is such a good dog. He's just going through some tough times, seeing as how his testes were removed, the residual tissue is swollen to the size of a hackey sack, and he has to wear a freaking lamp shade on his head for ten to 14 days. And he's only been living us for two weeks. So he's emotionally and now physically been through the wringer.

But Emily, Poncho, and I are all ready for his stitches to be removed and his cone to come off. It will either be this upcoming Saturday or a week from Monday.